I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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