She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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