i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i love accidental penises.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He did a backflip because drugs
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
