Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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