Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..