My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dating After Heartbreak
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.