Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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