final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
