I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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