If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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