Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
