u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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