Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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