I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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