I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
