my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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