Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
