i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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