i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
