So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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