No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
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if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!