Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
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The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
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We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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