i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
