I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
