Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
