Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
