4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
