Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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