my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
