matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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