My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
