You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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