just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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