my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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