I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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