Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
