Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
