Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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