I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm sobbing to NWA
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
