When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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