every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
