does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
