I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
