so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
