i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
