I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
