Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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