I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
