saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
