you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
