Taylor Swift is so right about you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
