i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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