I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
