my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
