I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my being single is dangerous.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
