So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
