bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
