I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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