If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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