You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
