That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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