This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
