What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
