What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
