I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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