Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
