haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
